


Marks

by sociallyawkwardteen



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mentioned Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts), Mentioned Xigbar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19024000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sociallyawkwardteen/pseuds/sociallyawkwardteen
Summary: The crying was going to get him killed one day. Axel knew he shouldn't be crying, but he couldn't stop. Luckily, Saïx may be able to help and protect them both.





	Marks

**Author's Note:**

> They're roughly 15 years old, as this takes place shortly after they became Nobodies. 
> 
> Enjoy~

It had been months since Lea had died. “Died” probably wasn't the right term. He still "lived" in a way. Even with no heart beating in his chest, he still continued to exist, as if some cruel fate wouldn't just let him die. Waking up empty had been awful, but he hadn't woken alone. All the other fools that acted as apprentices had been on the floor around him, in various states of consciousness. But the emptiness. The lack of warmth in his chest. The feeling of nothing. It was tortuous. For most of a month, all of them had been like that, eyes devoid of any emotion or thought. Only the now "Superior" and his right hand man seemed to be any different. 

The day the emptiness became bearable was the first time Lea, perhaps Axel now, had been punished for crying. It had all hit him at once suddenly while he was in the common area of the new base. He was dead. He had been killed. Isa had been scarred. Isa was dead. Isa had died in his arms. The girl was gone, and they had failed. He had been staring at his hands when he saw water fall onto the gloves. He didn't even realize what was happening until he was being dragged to the Superior by Number Two. 

"You feel nothing." The words burned to hear. "You do not exist." But he couldn't cover his ears. "You are empty." Covering his ears only earned him another blow to the gut by Number Two. "You are nothing." 

It happened several times after. He could be talking when suddenly tears would flow. He couldn't control it. But he got punished regardless. 

It hurt. 

It hurt more than anything. 

Months of trying not to cry and being punished with cruel words and merciless hits was tiring. So he hid in his room, hood pulled up to hide his face. He sat on the floor, knees tucked up to his chest. He hated this. This was all wrong. This was never the plan. He shouldn't be here. Neither of them should be. His stupid plan had gotten them stuck here. 

He couldn't stop the tears. He knew he needed too. If he even  _ looked _ like he had been crying, he'd be punished. But they wouldn't stop. Almost out of spite, his crying developed into full suffering sobs.

Axel didn't hear the door to his bedroom quietly open and close. 

"Axel," a familiar yet also foreign voice called. It was empty, void of any kindness or friendliness. Axel didn't respond right away. He tried to calm the sobs enough to talk, and it took a moment to do so.  

"Let me guess, Isa, I'm in trouble again," Axel said, not looking up. His grip tightened on his crossed arms.

"Axel," Saïx said again, looking down at Axel. Something about the scene before Saïx felt distinctly wrong. He had never liked seeing Lea cry. But it was different now. 

“What?” Axel snapped, meeting Saïx's teal eyes with his teary green. Axel was thankful that it was dark in his room and his hood shaded his vision. Seeing the large ‘x’-shaped scar would have made his crying worse. 

“You need to stop doing this,” Saïx said, almost completely detached. 

“What? Do you suddenly care? You didn't care when Number Two wailed on me right in front of you for it,” Axel said, angry and bitter. Saïx's eyes flickered from the cold stare to distress before quickly going back to empty. He was much better at controlling his emotions than to let one sentence make him falter. 

“You know as well as I do that my interference would have only caused more pain for both of us,” Saïx said. He had wanted to intervene though. Seeing Number Two grab Le- Axel and hurt him had bothered Saïx greatly. It was probably just the memory of protectiveness, but it was a strong memory. A near overwhelming memory. He would have stepped in too, hadn't it not been for the look he had caught Xigbar giving him, taunting him to try something. He had known then that Xigbar wanted a fight. Saïx had decided not to give him one. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Axel grumbled, no longer looking at Saïx's face, “I can't control it anyways. It just happens.” 

“You need to learn then. They'll keep punishing you if you don't,” Saïx said. He crossed his arms, almost as if hugging himself. 

“Again, why do you care? We can't feel, remember? You shouldn't care if I get hurt. It's punishment for disobeying isn't it?” Axel said snidely. He pulled his legs closer. “You don't care…” he muttered. Saïx heard him. 

“That's not true,” Saïx said, barely keeping his face neutral, “You're a key component of the plan. I can't risk losing you.” It had been a partial truth at least. 

“Right,” Axel said, “so I just need to suck it up until we find her and get out of here?” Saïx put a finger to his own lips and nodded. Axel needed to be more careful about talking about their plan. It would be more dangerous if the others knew they had ulterior motives. 

“I need you in one piece. So stop getting in trouble,” Saïx said, looking a little condensing. 

“I already said I can't control it, Isa!” Axel said, looking up angrily. 

“Then learn, Axel,” Saïx said sternly, letting the smallest bit of emotion seep into his voice. 

“I can't just ‘learn’! It's impossible! I don't even know why it happens! I can't just fake it! I was never  _ that _ good of an actor!” Axel complained, staying on the floor. 

Saïx had had enough of this. “Stop it, Axel. This is serious,” he almost sounded angrily concerned, “we are trying to sneak behind the back of the man that killed us. That made us like this. You need to control yourself, or else you might disappear like she did!” 

Saying that out loud was a shock to both of them. Axel looked up at Saïx, wide eyes full of fearful tears. Saïx stared back, almost in horror of what he had said. Tears flowed even more freely from Axel's eyes. He was  _ scared _ . He knew he was. There was no way this was fake or just a memory. He could almost swear he felt his heart pounding.

Saïx couldn't force himself to remain distant anymore. They were in Axel's room. No one would see. It should be safe. Safe to drop the act. Just a little. He kneeled in front of Axel, waiting, watching expectantly. Axel held out a hand towards him. It was an old gesture between them. Whenever one of them cried, they didn't always want to be touched, so the other would wait for the one crying to hold out their hand. It was a request for comfort. The other would wait for it before doing anything to provide physical comfort. It felt like a long time since they had established it. A long time since they needed it. 

Saïx took Axel's hand. “I shouldn't have said that. I won't let that happen,” he said, looking Axel in the eyes, “I can't let that happen. We're in this together. We're going to find her, and then we're get out of here. All three of us.” 

Axel tangled their fingers together and squeezed Saïx's hand tightly. “I'm scared, Isa,” he whispered, “I don't want you to get hurt either, but you seem to be so much better at this. At hiding it. You….you do still care, right? You're just hiding it? We're not just empty shells, are we?” 

Saïx looked at Axel with shaky eyes. He had heard those words too. All of them had. The constant repeat of words telling them that they were  _ nothing _ . The monotonous chant convincing them to accept their emptiness. It was getting hard not to believe, but, with Axel crying in front of him, Saïx couldn't tell Axel he was being convinced. He tried to swallow the slowly bubbling emotion, but he couldn't contain himself any longer. He pulled Axel closer and hugged him tightly. 

“I'm scared too, Lea,” he said quietly, “I can't lose you. I can't be alone in this place.” Axel hugged Saïx back, holding onto him like a lifeline. 

“I can't lose you either, Isa. I know I need to stop crying, but I can't. I just can't,” Axel sobbed into Saïx's shoulder. Saïx stroked Axel's hair soothingly. 

They stayed silent for a little while, simply holding each other close. They were supposed to be empty and cold, but why did Axel still have that familiar warmth? Even if it had only been a few months since they had become Nobodies, it had felt like centuries since they'd gotten the chance to be together. Just the two of them. Someplace safe and quiet. Somewhere they could hold each other. 

Saïx knew this needed to stop. They shouldn't need comfort. If this was discovered, they would both be punished harshly. But he didn't want to let go. Axel was warm and safe and  _ familiar _ . Something to hold onto that proved that what had happened in the past was real. That his memories were real. That things had ever been different from the bleak, monotonous castle schedule. That he had been more than a hollow shell. That it hadn't always been this way, and they had lost something they needed to get back.

They needed a plan to keep Axel from getting in trouble anymore. But what? How could they stop the tears? Training? Masks? Hoods? Magic? Suddenly, Saïx remembered something he had read. He had needed time to himself and ended up reading whatever he could find in tbe castle library. 

“Lea,” he said softly, “I think I may know how to help you stop crying.” 

“What? You do?” Axel said, pulling back just enough to look into Saïx's eyes. He kept his arms around Saïx. 

“I'm not sure how well it will work, but, hopefully, it can help enough so you can at least hold back the tears for a little while,” Saïx explained. He honestly didn't know the full effects of the magic he was referencing, nor had he attempted it before. He had only read about it briefly. He needed it to work. It had to work. 

“I trust you, Isa. You wouldn't have said anything if you didn't think it would help,” Axel said, “what is it?” 

“A spell,” Saïx said. Axel trusted him. He could do this. It would work. It would be ok. “A spell to reverse tears.” 

Axel nodded in understanding. He wasn't sure what Saïx was going to do exactly, but he trusted him. He trusted his best friend. But if this suppressed tears...would it suppress other emotions? If it did….there was something he wanted to make sure he did first. 

Axel moved and took Saïx's hands in his own. “Ok. Let's do it then. But first, can...can I do something? I'll never ask or try to ever again. Just one last time,” he asked, near pleading. He needed it just once before they banished all feeling away. They wouldn't be able to show how connected they were anymore. 

“What is it, Lea?” Saïx said softly. He knew what Axel wanted. He wanted it too. Just one last feeling. Before they shoved it all aside and acted like strangers for their own safety. Showing how much they cared for each other would be dangerous. It could be exploited. It could be used against them. 

Axel got closer to Saïx's face while pulling off his own gloves. He wanted to feel something. Some warmth. Any warmth. He gently cupped Saïx's face with his now ungloved hands. He pressed their foreheads together. 

Saïx could feel himself starting to shake. He never wanted Axel to let go. But he was scared. Scared because he knew this would be the last time for who knows how long. Scared because they could be caught and punished. Scared because neither of them knew what was going to happen next. Scared because they knew it could get worse. 

“Isa?” Axel said softly, looking into his eyes. 

“Yes?” Saïx could feel his eyes getting misty. He couldn't let that happen. Lea was the one that cried over everything. Not him. 

“Can I…?” Saïx knew what he was asking even without him finishing the sentence. 

“Yes,” Saïx confirmed quietly. Just one last time. 

It was barely even a kiss at first. Both of them were scared so they hesitated. Axel had his eyes closed, waiting for something bad to happen. Whether it was someone dragging him away or Saïx pulling away, Axel anticipated something to go wrong. Saïx kept his eyes opened, looking for threats, anything that might hurt either of them. He could feel his hands shaking. 

But nothing bad happened. 

It was obvious that Axel relaxed after a moment. He pulled Saïx closer, deepening the kiss slightly. He gently ran his fingers into Saïx's hair. Saïx took a moment longer to relax, but Axel's action helped. Saïx closed his eyes and put his hands on Axel's shoulders. 

He didn't want it to stop. The warmth. The closeness. But Saïx knew that Axel wouldn't stop if he thought he didn't have to. Still, Saïx lingered for a moment before starting to pull away. Axel tried to follow at first before understanding and letting Saïx pull away. Axel kept his hands tangled in Saïx's hair, pressing his forehead back against Saïx's. He wanted to say something. This would be his last chance, wouldn't it? But he could already see tears in Saïx's eyes. His beautiful teal eyes. He couldn't bear saying anything that would make those tears fall. 

“So what do I need to do?” Axel asked. 

Saïx didn't know it, but he had wanted to say the same thing Axel had wanted to. But those words would remain unsaid for many years, yet both of them will look back at this moment and wish they had had the courage to say it then. Instead, he moved on. The spell. They needed to go on Axel's face. 

“Lay on your back and hold still,” Saïx said, while moving to sit with his legs crossed. Axel did so. Saïx put Axel's head in his lap, so that Axel was looking up at him. 

“I-I think this spell will have a physical manifestation. I'm not sure what though,” Saïx said, his voice shaking slightly. 

Axel took a deep breath. “Well, I always wanted a tattoo,” he said, hoping the joke would help relax Saïx. It worked a little, if the small smile was any indication. 

“Lea?” 

“Yes?” 

“Close your eyes,” Saïx said, taking as deep of breaths as he could. It was a simple spell. He could do it. 

Axel closed his eyes, and Saïx carefully moved to take one of his gloves off. Saïx started repeating the words of the spell, speaking softly, barely even audible. They were simple, rhythmic, and repetitive, almost like a song. He was supposed to repeat them the whole time. Saïx used his pointer finger to trace a small line down one of Axel's cheeks, slowly lifting his finger. A mark formed from his touch, dark enough to be seen on Axel's skin. It looked like a teardrop flowing the wrong way, towards the eye instead of away. Saïx paused, checking for any sign that the action had hurt Axel. It hadn't. So, he continued, carefully making an identical mark on Axel's other cheek. 

The sound of Saïx's low voice repeating unintelligible words was oddly comforting. Axel found himself relaxing, as he felt any semblance of tears slowly stop flowing from his eyes. He kept his eyes closed, waiting for Saïx to say he was done. He felt Saïx's finger trail lines on his face. The touch was so gentle that Axel wasn't sure if anything was happening.

Axel felt two hands press either side of his face, one gloved the other not. The whispering had stopped. But Axel kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to mess something up by moving too early. Axel felt something wet hit his face, just below his eye, but it wasn't his own tears. It was..

“Isa?” he called, worried. He kept his eyes closed, but he couldn't stop himself from talking. He had to know if Saïx was ok. 

Saïx leaned back, looking up while trying to blink back tears. He wiped his face with his sleeve. “You can open your eyes now,” he said through unsteady breaths. 

Axel opened his eyes and sat up. He looked at Saïx, worried. Why was he crying now? 

“It's okay, Isa. I think the spell is working,” Axel said, taking Saïx's ungloved hand with his own, “and nothing feels wrong. You did it right.” 

Saïx took a shuddering deep breath before meeting Axel's eyes. The marks looked strange on Axel, but it would just take getting used to. If it worked, it was worth it. “Good. You should be safe now,” he said softly. 

“It'll be ok, Isa,” Axel said. 

“We can't do this again, Lea. You know that, right?” Saïx said, sounding sad and hollow. 

“I know, Isa…” Axel responded, “Just promise me something.” 

“What?” Saïx said. 

“When we find her and get out of here, promise me you'll do that again. I'm...I'm gonna miss it,” Axel said, squeezing Saïx's hand slightly. 

Saïx looked at Axel softly. “I'm going to miss it too. Once we all leave, you can do whatever you want to,” he said. Axel smirked.

“Whatever I want? That's a dangerous promise, Isa. Sure you want to stand by that?” Axel teasing. 

Saïx chuckled and matched the smirk, “I know what I said, Lea.”

They both laughed for a moment before falling to silence. They knew this had to end. Saïx needed to leave, and Axel had to get to work. But...they didn't want it to end. The moment they stepped out of this room, they would no longer be Lea and Isa, two best friends and childhood sweethearts. They would be Axel and Saïx with no connection to each other, only a past that was never spoken about. 

Saïx was the first to stand. Axel quickly followed. 

“Is-” Axel was about to speak before Saïx stopped him with a finger to his lips. 

“Call me that again when we get out of here,” Saïx said while removing his hand. 

Axel didn't like the idea of calling Saïx by the new name, but he'd respect Saïx's request. 

“Fine, then that's one more thing to encourage me to get us out of here as soon as possible,” Axel said. 

“I look forward to it,” Saïx said softly before turning and leaving. And for once, Axel didn't cry when he left. 


End file.
